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| Went to The Well Community Church today. There was a presentation from a team that went to Tibet to visit the missionary family that was sent out in 2003; they went to give encouragement and fellowship to this couple and their little girl, with another one on the way. And, what they shared about how God's providence and work is unstoppable was pretty amazing...the family had gone out to Tibet, and decided to set up a hostel there for a number of reasons:
1) so they could live there legitimately,
2) so the locals would accept them (why is a caucasian family in Tibet? Oh because they're tourists), and
3) to provide jobs and contribute to the economy and community. (all of this, so that they could share the Gospel with the Tibetan people)
Long story longer, a number of events happened which were far from being coincidental: 1) the team that went to visit happened to arrive at the time when the grand opening of the hostel was happening; the timing just worked out that way. 2) The couple needed to build a place to live ( a house) above the hostel, and a stranger that happened to be traveling by from Austria, who is not a Christian, offered to help; he ended up being an architect. So he drew up some plans for them. 2) A group of men also traveling found out this couple needed to build a home; these men were not Christians either, but they wanted to help out; they all happened to be construction workers. 3) The architect had gone back to Austria after drawing up the plans, but actually contacted this couple to say that he wanted to make some changes to the plans; he didn't know why, but it was something on his heart, so he flew all the way from Austria back to Tibet to re-draw the plans. 4) The couple was able to just get the approval from the city to build this house the same day that the construction workers were supposed to come and build it; they built it in 4 days.
Whenever i hear stories like this about God's sovereignty and the amazing ways he provides, I'm humbled, rebuked, encouraged, and reminded that He is moving and working...this couple has been studying and learning the language and now are making a living there, with the desire to spread the Gospel to this people, where less than 0.5% are believers. The husband's father and grandfather had a heart for Tibet, but were not able to go there themselves; now the son/grandson is there now, living out their prayers and obeying God's calling. So amazing...
You stood before creation
Eternity within Your hand
You spoke the earth into motion
My soul now to stand
You stood before my failure
Carried the Cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon Your shoulders
My soul now to stand
So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You
So I'll walk upon salvation
Your Spirit alive in me
This life to declare Your promise
My soul now to stand
So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You
So I’ll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all
So I’ll stand
My soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours "The Stand"-Hillsong United
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| I was working in the eyewear center today, and it was just one of those days...you get patients who really try your patience. haha. I was surprised at how annoyed i was getting with the two i helped today...and the day before, for an actual exam, i was getting annoyed at this lady who would just not stop talking and making me more and more late for the exam...and she couldn't give me straight answers because she had crazy allergies and was coughing and tearing up like mad. >.<
I always catch myself getting like this, and feel so frustrated at myself for feeling this way, for lack of patience. It's like an ugly monster that comes up out of nowhere. I'm in the business of helping people, and yet, i lose my patience with some. Granted, seeing patients and talking and interacting with them all day is no easy task; it's tiring, dealing with people. But then i realize, i have so many opportunities to show God's love, with everyone i meet and interact, and then i feel ashamed. And, it's not that i treat them differently; on the outside, i maintain the happy, eager, helpful attitude, partially because i have to. But on the inside, it's a struggle to treat them with love and sincerity.
I'm not saying this happens often; it's actually pretty rare. But when it does happen, i surprise myself and end up getting frustrated. And i wonder, how can i treat someone like this, when this person could be my brother or sister in Christ, either now or in the future? Just as someone that God loves, to see each person through the eyes of God...not as the "annoying patient" or "weird patient" or "smelly patient." And i wonder how many interactions i have wasted by not serving them with Christ-like love and humility...
And, on a completely different note, the idea of marketing myself and ultimately determining the patient's "perception" of me really bothers me. What we learned from our business classes: it's all about how the patient perceives you. You have to make them perceive you as "caring," "sincere," "genuinely interested," etc. Of course, they all say that this should all be real and not made up, but the general idea behind it all is to promote your business by building up your reputation and their perception of you. And honestly, for a private office to be successful, you have to do all those things...how can you genuinely care for all of your patients, which is roughly 5,000 per doctor, on average. Impossible! And yet, we're supposed to seem like we do. Which is why i don't think i can ever open or open my own practice, because i'll just feel like i'm being fake. Maybe i'll change my mind down the road, but for now, the idea of selling my image is very unappealing. Just give me patients and eye exams; the rest of the stuff, i would rather not deal with.
And this is all one week before i leave for portland, where i'll be at a rotation in a VA hospital. I'm anxious but excited, happy but sad.
ramble ramble.
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| It's near the end of my 3rd year--4 more weeks left. And I can't believe 3 years have passed...
All those times of endless indecision, sleepless nights, praying, confusion, mind wrestling, and at one point, ready to drop it all....all those times happened, and yet here i am. Honestly, still unsure and not quite understanding, but no longer in utter confusion or anxiety. I make it sound like it's some crazy life struggle...it was, and to a certain extent, still is. It's just a job, it's just a career path, but it's not. I've invested so much time and resources into this profession, even when my heart was not fully in it...but i saw no other option and prayed that God would give me faith to trust in his sovereignty. I don't know why this is such a big deal to me, i mean, it's just a job right. It also doesn't help that i'll be immensely in debt when i graduate, but that just comes with continuing education. In some ways, i felt trapped and didn't know what was going to happen...you'd think this kind of job would give security. But, i'm realizing i also have issues with commitment, in its various forms. Some people might say that's totally not true, but i know myself and i have commitment issues. Part of the baggage i guess?
anyway, i'm glad to be where i am, as unsure as i am. Being in a professional school does not guarantee stability, although that's what people say. Nothing's certain in life, except uncertainty. haha. No, that's what the world says...i know God is certain, Jesus is certain...it's my fickle and wandering heart that makes me doubt at times.
It's already been 3 years. How He has brought me over the years...
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| Things never really end..."If only i had this.." or "As soon as i finish this..." blah blah. Time goes on whether you like it or not, and to wait to do something because you think "as soon as i finish this" is keeping you from going forward, you'll never do it! Not talking about anything in particular or deep, just something i realized...mostly related to school, of course. ha.
Went to chicago for a few days, to visit ileen. Went to her church sunday morning, and the pastor spoke on conversion. Btw, chicago was fun, and it snowed on the day i left...first snowfall ever seen! =) It was beautiful and it looked like another world. Anyway, back to conversion...he was a very charismatic pastor, lots of yelling, walking around, full of passion...he looked like he would explode if he didn't get his words out. Multiethnic church, and a charismatic korean pastor. Wasn't used to this style, but his message was striking. Is your life being transformed? Is your life being turned upside down? Are you living as a completely NEW creation? Are you turning away from sin and towards God? Do you think being a Christian means that you're just nicer, more caring, happier? Is that all that the grace and power of God does in salvation? Are you nuts?!
That was the general vibe of his sermon. In understanding conversion, you're understanding our calling in this world. The renewal that will take place when Christ returns is the same kind of renewal that should be happening in our lives...and that should be turning our lives upside down. Can't live an upside down life without a transformation from the inside out. Isn't this stuff we all already know? Isn't this what we keep learning again and again? So why did it sound so different when he preached about it one day ago?
His urgency in his message is what caught me, i think. Behind all the energy, yelling, walking, he was speaking with a real sense of urgency. And, i'm kind of at a loss for what to do. What are we doing? What am i doing? Where's the urgency? What is my life doing? Not that it's about what i do, but hey, where's the fruit and deeds that come with faith? He spoke about Saul's conversion, so it's a pretty big deal...also spoke about having faith in God's saving power; no one is beyond it. But we often categorize people in our minds anyway. Isn't that horrible? If we're not praying for others' salvation, it's because of one of two reasons: 1) We don't care, or 2) We don't believe that God can save. Praying about anything, do i really believe that God will answer?
a mishmash of thoughts...not sure where i wanted to go with it, or if i was even able to go anywhere with it in the first place. I don't even want to say it's something to think about because it's not something you can just think about...it's your life.
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| caffeine is purely psychological at this point...
I'm so restless. This test needs to be over now...
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